SLEEP WELL.

From time to time I’ll suddenly switch from reality and get a sudden sense of falling, they never happen whilst i’m falling asleep, only ever in the Day

All of a sudden i’m overtaken by a sudden Nauseous feeling and it feels like the world has crashed down on top of me.
I guess Sartre was right, it does exist after all.

These are the split seconds when I realise that I really don’t know what i’m doing in life despite the every day confident facades I have and that all the years really have left me well and truly messed up.
As I said I get the feeling of suddenly being crushed by everything I’ve had.
It’s like someone has opened a curtain, light is beaming through and it’s blinding me.
They last for not even a second or so, but they’re absolutely terrifying.


Fuck.

Still residing but slowly rotting.
Torn under the tide of life, stuck in two minds, neither of them love.
Too many missed chances to count.
Wandering around the ruin of their Gormanghast lamenting a long dead Queen Mother
crooked Crowns upon their heads filled the half-forgotten but ever present regrets of yesterday.
And to a Queen who’s compassion longed for flight? she now sits but as a Bird in a cage, one who harks sentiments she’s not even sure are true. Shouting at confused kids who themselves are still stutter stepping between the pews.
This, our castle, an unholy temple to the richness of lifes faults.
Sinking slowly further into the belly of the beast.
Whom can repair the holes in time which fate has forged?

While the King is breaking down trying to fix his Throne with the madness and delusion that ever rots his soul, my Queen is seeing Ghosts and crying out to let go.

Both microcosms of the terrible side of insecurities.
Both suffering from that incurable Cancer of the soul.
Both dying from the Nausea

Falling upon cold stone floors clutching wild-eyed heads in bony hands, riddled with the greatest disease that can ever forsake a person, remembrance of past decisions and the images of their tombs.
I left her crying out to a God she desperately wants to believe is there, desperately tells me she wants to go to, but doesn’t deserve.

The Bathroom smelt like piss again, probably because she’s incapable of not wetting herself when she gets drunk.

x

Recently I haven’t been sleeping until about 4am as you know
I’ve just been waiting ‘til my body shuts down which is anywhere past 4am and decides “right, i’m bored of being conscious”

anyone else having this problem?
x

Me (right) with my friends Harriet & Gary!

Another night out with friends and I felt myself more alienated with drinking than is normal.
I have to be in a very very certain mood for nightclubs, you just get the complete wrong kind of people there. Any personality you have / are proud of comes to shuddering halt at the door and all that seems to matter from there on in is what you look like.
Just get drunk and hound your prospective fuck interest until she gives in (as in I literally watched about 5 men physically circle 3 women and ‘direct’ them towards the bar).
I mean don’t get me wrong everyone looks absolutely stunning and it’s wonderful to look at all these beautiful people strutting around putting on an amazing facade of animalistic confidence but when one gender is necking Stella determined to think that the name raises it above being the shittest thing you’ll find this side of special brew, and the other are wearing clothes which are competing with their belts for least skin coverage it just seems to become the kind of place where anything actually meaningful has well and truly died, and a horrible death at that.

I think it may be because despite enjoying the music, I’ve grown up listening to Metal & will automatically feel out of sync in places like that, as I struggle to attempt to badly white boy dance and contemplate how fish-out-of-water-ish I feel until they put something even RESEMBLING Metal on. Although I doubt the possibility of Trap Them coming on being high, so as I wait for that day as soon as Led Zepplin blurts out I’m away!

Hello, my names Ben and It appears I really don’t know fun is anymore?
ahh fuck it
i’m going back to Nietzsche, he understands! haha

I’ll stop being so old soon, I can enjoy nightclubs as I enjoy how happy everyone is. Just my God, put flashing lights and a Basshunter CD in a Pig Sty and the fuckers would come.
As Sage Francis said “you don’t need a hook for the worms to dance”

in the mean time check out Daniel Kitson
he’s like me, but funnier and wins awards for it.
danielkitson.com
seriously, do it now & subscribe to his podcasts.

x